Satire

Graduation Speech
By Jennifer Katz
Word Count: 473/400-600

My fellow students, graduating class of 2015, I congratulate you on making it through these four difficult – but rewarding – years. I, Julia Kepner, am proud to be named valedictorian. Being valedictorian is a very prestigious accomplishment and I am so honored to have received this title. I cannot wait to put this on every resume and application I ever have in the future. Even though there are only 40 people in my graduating class, my accomplishment is still worthy (plus no one will need to know that on my application).

I will never forget cheating off the quiet girl in my math class, and then kicking her chair during history tests to distract her. She was definitely a competitor, but I think that history grade booted her down, I’m grateful for her big handwriting and ability to be distracted so easily. My other main competitor was a little harder to beat, but I made a great investment of 20 dollars by paying Patrick to kiss her during midterms junior year. I do not think she ever fully recovered from that dose of mono. I want to thank my mom for threatening to get my physics teacher fired if she didn’t give me an A+ rather than an A ­– you are the real MVP mom. Another thanks to my six freshman minions who always managed to get me copies of the AP Spanish tests before I took them. I was surprised how easily I convinced them, with a threat of spreading fictitious defaming rumors and two dollars each per test I was set for the whole year. I would like to give a shout out to Buzzfeed for their article “20 Best Ways to Pass Exams;” my favorite was the “answers on the inside of the water bottle label trick”. Classic. That one got me through all my chemistry tests. I would also like to acknowledge my older sister for telling me the easiest AP classes and which teachers to be sure to get. My guidance counselor is my ride or die. Mrs. Sadler, you got me out of Dr. Brown’s 9th period class where my transcript would have probably fallen apart. I am most grateful for her telling me about the special opportunity to take classes over the summer. This gift allowed me to raise my GPA .003 points which put me at the top of the class. I am also glad that my slutty brownies were enough to convince her not to tell William Yang about this opportunity because I would surely have been salutatorian if that were the case.

I will never forget these high school years. I made some friends, and many enemies, and I have learned many life lessons that will benefit me in my years at Yale (By the way – screw you Harvard for not accepting me).

Valedictorian makes speech at graduation.

Courtesy of: Gilmore Girls 

Teaching to the Test

Caroline Sekel

Word Count 489/400-600

To: Teachers and Staff

From: Board of Education

Date: August 28, 2015

Subject: Test Scores and New Curriculum

The school’s results from the most recent round of standardized tests have arrived and it seems that our students have performed at an unacceptable level. Most students performed at an average level, only a handful slightly below, and about a quarter of students performed above average. As a school at large we scored around the national average, slightly above. However, this isn't close to good enough. If we want our students to be the best or to be successful at all, they need to perform exceptionally. We need to have every student performing above average to give them a chance of being successful at all. Higher test scores equal more successful students and the only way to ensure success is to teach directly to the tests. The board has made numerous changes to the curriculum that will eliminate unnecessary classes and factor in more classes and lessons that will focus on test prep and help our students score exceptionally. The changes are further explained below.

1. All fine and performing art classes  will be eliminated entirely from the curriculum. They have proven to be unnecessary and a distraction from test prep work. The time students spend in classes like drawing, pottery, band or orchestra could be spent memorizing the long list of grammar rules that will be on standardized tests. These art classes provide no useful test skills to the students.
2. All foreign language classes will be stopped with the exception of latin. Latin is more practical and useful to students than languages such as spanish or mandarin, which are not tested on standardized tests, as it will help them decipher the vocabulary section of the test. Latin will become a class mandatory for all students.
3. Most practical arts classes will be discontinued as well. TV production and computer graphics are in no way related to testing and will therefore be immediately eliminated from the curriculum. Word processing and personal finance will be changed so their lessons are more focused towards standardized tests. Word processing will no longer teach typing and formatting but it will be designed to help students master the technological elements of some of the new standardized tests. These include dragging and dropping items and highlighting text for reference. Personal finance will only focus on the math problems related to money commonly found on the tests and will stop teaching students about bank accounts, saving, and careers.
4. All eliminated classed will be replaced by test prep classes. One or each different standardized test. Students will take an additional practice test three times a week during their lunch period,

It is our goal that by the end of this school year out students are performing in the top percentile on these standardized tests and it is our hope that these changes to the curriculum will push them to the top.

Student takes a standardized test
Image courtesy of teachthought.com